Begin Again
by ClumsyHibz
Summary: The last thing Alex expects is to fall for Derek Shepherd's youngest sister, Amelia. He's heard only bits & pieces about her and the shit she's been through, and he's not interested. But when Amelia joins Seattle Grace as its newest head of neurosurgery, she turns his world upside down. Takes place after the plane crash.
1. Chapter 1

Amelia Shepherd stands across the entrance of Seattle Grace Hospital. It's raining - the cold drops of water falling haphazardly on her face and she doesn't even bother to brush them off. She has missed rain – more than she was willing to admit. She's no longer in LA. It's darker, danker, and wetter here. But it somehow feels safer. After all, her brother is here. Her sister-in-law is here. Her niece is here. But Mark Sloan isn't.

She came to Seattle because Derek asked her to. Who can replace Derek as Head of Neurosurgery better than his own flesh and blood? She thinks of her brother. She thinks of his million-dollar hand that's going numb every now and then. She thinks of the hell they've both been through in their lives. She has lost her fiancé while they were both getting high, she had a brainless baby and decided to give his organs up to other babies, and she was a witness, along with her brother, to a shooting that resulted in her father's demise.

LA was a constant reminder of that – a constant reminder that she has never smiled sincerely. And here is standing across SG hoping that being with her brother & his family would change that. She takes a long, cleansing breath. As the cold, damp Seattle airs gets in, every bone in her body feels stronger, more resilient. She's no longer the broken Amelia Shepherd; she can't be. She's the new head of neurosurgery in one of the most prestigious teaching hospitals in America. She matters.

She finally decides to get in. She's soaking wet, but it doesn't matter. And then someone bumps into her almost like a torpedo bringing her back to reality.

"Watch where you're going," she hears herself say to no one in particular.

"Sorry, sorry," a guy replies as rushes to the hospital.

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It's Arizona's first day back in SG since her amputation. She's starting physical therapy today. The thought of that makes Alex Karev sick to his stomach - literally. Every time he tries to visualize Arizona's cut-off leg, he breaks down. He thinks of how he cut it – smooth enough that it can be replaced with a prosthetic but brutal enough to ensure Arizona never has a normal life again.

He runs to the bathroom but pukes his guts out before even reaching the toilet – again. It smells like pizza and A LOT of alcohol - basically his diet since the crash.

He can't remember the last time he had a decent meal, the last time he slept a good night's sleep, the last time he had a real conversation with a woman. His life has been basically a cycle of one night stands with interns and lots and lots of tequila. The guilt is eating him alive, and he can't, for the life of him, shrug it away. It was like cancer promising him that soon he will no longer be in control anymore.

He tries to make it back to his room to get ready for work - the physical therapy appointment is at 8 and he doesn't have much time left - but he ends up falling down to his knees and bawling like a baby - a habit he's gotten used to lately.

But today is different, today's worse than all the days that have passed since the crash. Today he's going to have to look into Arizona's eyes, and he isn't sure he's ready for that yet. He's not sure he can be there for Arizona the way Callie wants him to be; she has made him promise to stay with Robbins during her physical therapy. Deep down, though, he knows it's not the greatest idea. Arizona hates him almost as much as she hates Callie; she blames them both for what happened to her. And there's nothing either of them can do to change that.

As he's trying to organize his toxic thoughts, he looks at his watch. He's already 10 minutes late to Arizona's appointment. Damn it.

He drives to work as fast as he can but his stomach keeps calling out to him. He can't do this right now. He needs to be at the hospital right now. Arizona needs him.

He arrives to the hospital and runs towards the entrance as he bumps into a woman starring blankly at the building.

"Watch where you're going," he hears her say to no one in particular.

"Sorry, sorry." Alex replies as he rushes to the hospital.

Little do they both know that their paths would end up crossing so many more times in the future.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you so much for all the reviews, follows, and favorites. It honestly means a lot - and it's what made me write the 2nd chapter this quickly. I was too excited. **

**Chapter 2 is basically a set-up for the next chapter, so it may seem a bit slow. **

**Also, Karev & Amelia are two of my favorite characters EVER. So I hope I'm doing them justice.**

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Karev runs through the halls to Arizona's therapy's room. And when he arrives he finds Callie standing outside as if guarding the door, the worry coloring her face with white.

"Why are you late?" he hears her shouting at him and then her voice fades away. The only thing he hears is Arizona blaming him for what happened to her,

"_I only went on that plane because I was pissed at you. So I kept wondering; I'm only here because he's so selfish and thoughtless and no matter how hard I tried to make him better, he's still a horrible person. So now, I keep wondering; why would this happen to someone like me instead of happening to someone like YOU?" _

He can feel his knees getting weaker, his heart beating faster, and his palms sweating like crazy. He's not ready for this; he doesn't know when he'll ever be ready for this. But he can't keep dodging it; it's time he faces her. It's time he stands by Arizona's side the way she needs him to be.

When he enters, he finds Arizona on the floor begging her therapist to leave her alone; she doesn't want to do this anymore. She just wants go to home. Alex freezes as he stares at her – the tears flowing down her face. His fists clench as he hears her pleads.

"Let me go! Let me go!" She keeps protesting and the bald man across her won't. He grabs her waist and tries his best to lift her up, but he can't. She won't let him.

"She said let her go!" Alex runs towards Arizona and pushes her therapist away.

"Are you okay?"

"Do I look okay? What are you doing here anyway?"

"I'm here to help."

"I don't want your help. I don't want anyone's help! Leave me alone! Why can't everyone just leave me alone?"

Alex says nothing. He doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know how to tell her he's sorry again. He's doesn't know how he can show her that he'd rather it were him on that plane. So he does the only thing he can; he calls for Callie and then leaves the room. He knows Arizona needs time, but it's torture seeing his mentor, the one person in this hospital he could actually stand, despise him the way she does right now.

He tries to make it to the attendings' lounge without breaking down, and thankfully, he doesn't. He sits on the couch in hopes he could relax – in hopes that he'll not screw his surgeries up today. So he just puts his head in his hands as he tries uselessly to free up his mind.

And then someone opens the door; he doesn't even bother checking who's there.

"Uh, are you alright?" a woman asks him after a few seconds.

He looks up and sees a brunette woman soaking wet; she's probably Derek's sister. He heard him talking about her to Meredith the other day. She's joining SG today.

"None of your damn business,"

"You're Karev, right?"

"And you're the chick that lost her baby while getting wasted, right?"

She smiles. And to add to his confusion, she simply says, "Filter."

"Excuse me?"

"Never mind."

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The sounds of the crying babies in the hospital daycare make her heart sink. She thought she was used to their little voices by now - especially that she's been taking care of Addison's baby, Henry, for the last few months. But the truth is she quite isn't yet.

The innocence in the kids' eyes make hers tear. And she can't help but imagine what it would have been like if her son were here playing with his cousin Zola, climbing at his uncle's back as Amelia would look at them and smile. But he's not here. And it's time for her to start moving on.

Amelia spots Derek & Meredith by the slide helping Zola down. She looks at them with shameful envy; they're a family – a beautiful healthy family and that's something she never had and something she might never have.

Amelia & Zola's eyes meet and Zola runs to her aunt with sheer excitement.

"Melia! Melia!" She calls out, and her aunt's heart flutters with inexpressible happiness.

Her brother runs towards her, and he embraces her. The moment Derek's arms envelope her, the bliss she felt for just a few seconds swiftly disappears. Everything she's been trying so hard to forget, all the memories she decidedly let go of when she boarded that plane to Seattle come rushing back in. As much as she pleads herself not to cry in that daycare, she can't. All of the tears that have been stuck within her, tormenting her, just blurt out.

Meredith pads her back, "You're dripping, Amelia. Go get some rest. Go get some sleep." she proposes, "And then your brother and I can take you out to lunch."

But the condescending pity in Meredith's voice infuriates her. It's like she's worried she's done (or will do) something she'll regret. She's has been unapologetically resentful of Meredith since Derek told her about her drug problem. She doesn't need one more person judging her.

"Don't worry, Meredith, I'm not high." She replies vigorously.

Amelia sees the shock in Meredith's eyes, and she realizes Meredith didn't mean anything offensive; she was just trying to be a good sister-in-law. She was only trying to help. And then Amelia remembers what her friends at LA used to tell her: think before you speak – "filter".

"I'm sorry. I'll see you guys later." she says as she leaves the daycare.

She walks helplessly to the attending lounge. She opens the door and finds a doctor sitting on a couch with his head between his hands - it seems someone's worse off than she is.

"Uh, are you alright?" she asks him.

"None of your damn business,"

"You're Karev, right?"

"And you're the chick that lost her baby while getting wasted, right?"

Even though she's obviously offended by his accusation, she smiles at how similar they are at that very moment: broken, miserable, and apparently, very impulsive, so she simply says, "Filter."

"Excuse me?"

"Never mind."

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**A/N: Chapter 3 will have them finally interacting for more than 2 seconds, so I hope you stick around for that :) **


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: So I just want to thank you guys again for being so awesome; I don't think I've ever written this much in a span of one week. I hope you're enjoying the story as much as I am. **

**So here goes.**

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Even though Amelia cried herself to sleep last night, she wakes up with a new wave of confidence and content – today she has two surgeries and a consult. And if there's one thing she knows well – and one thing that can make her feel better – it's medicine. She came to Seattle Grace for this: surgeries all day long. In that OR, she's not a former druggie. She's not the pathetic Amelia that everyone is so worried about. She's not the one who breaks down in daycares. She's Dr. Amelia Shepherd, a miracle worker.

She doesn't want to think about anything today except kicking ass in her surgeries – even if she doesn't have many. She doesn't want to think about the people she lost or the mistakes she's done – she just wants to think about the lives she's going to save today. And that gives her a rush like nothing else – a rush even Oxycodone failed to give her back in her drug-using days.

When she gets up from the bed in Meredith & Derek's guest-room, she's encompassed by such positive energy that she knows today is going to be a brilliant day.

She drives to work genuinely excited, and when she walks in to her first consult, she promises herself no one and nothing will ruin this for her.

"I'm here!" she says gleefully as she enters the room of her first patient for the day, Tyler.

She finds Karev seated by the kid's bed. Great.

"I asked for the He Shepherd not you," he tells her obviously irritated.

"Well, you got me instead. And I'm _almost_ as good as my brother", Amelia smirks; she's so not going to let smartass ruin her day, "Now let me see this handsome kid."

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It's 5 AM. Alex has been watching Tyler for the last 6 hours hoping he doesn't seize again.

Tyler is the kind of kid that could make you laugh for hours with his charm. His thick eyeglasses make him seem older than he actually is – more serious than most kids, but then you see the gap between his two front-teeth, the adorableness eats you alive.

Alex has been his doctor for the last two weeks, and he has dedicated most of his time at the hospital taking care of him – trying his best to make him smile, often successfully, but Alex can see that Tyler's faking all the joy he's projecting to everyone around him – and to him specifically. He's scared, and truth be told, so is Alex. He asked the nurse to call for Derek; it's no longer his case anymore. He no longer can help this kid. He needs a neurosurgeon. And Derek's the best this kid can possibly get.

"Am I gonna be okay, Dr. Karev?" The five-year-old asks.

Alex wants to tell him in this world, you never know. He wants to tell him that the world is cruel and and often unfair. But the innocence in the kid's eyes urges him not to – it urges him to tell the kid that he's going to get to have a normal life like everyone else.

"You're gonna be great, Tyler. I promise."

He knows he shouldn't do that. He knows better than to promise a patient something like that, but he's not worried about rules right now. He just wants Tyler to be better.

Alex yearns for the time he didn't care about his patients – when they were just cool and interesting cases to him – tests for him to become a better surgeon. But Arizona ruined him. He now _likes_ them. He steals their favorite food for them from the cafeteria when no one's looking. He buys them toys their parents won't. He tries to make them smile. And that's probably the one side of him that wasn't destroyed by the crash.

"I'm here!" Alex hears a woman's voice say and then Amelia Shepherd walks into Tyler's room. The last time Alex saw her, Amelia told him to "filter" and then just walked away baffling him. And after the stories he's heard about her, it's no wonder he's not very gleeful about her being his consult.

"I asked for the He Shepherd not you."

"Well, you got me instead. And I'm _almost_ as good as my brother", Amelia smirks, "Now let me see this handsome kid."

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A couple of days later, Amelia finds Karev in the halls, "Alex, I'm afraid I have bad news," Amelia says much to Alex's dismay, "You were right, His brain is hemorrhaging but it's more than humanely possible. I honestly don't know he lasted this long without ever stroking – or dying. I know this is hard to hear, but there's just no way to sugarcoat it."

And if there is, Amelia doesn't know how. She's not very good at sugarcoating bad news. And when she hears herself say those words, she realizes why people say she doesn't have a good bedside manner.

"So what do we do?" Alex asks worried.

"We cut into his brain. But here's the thing. The tumor that's causing the hemorrhage is eating at almost of all his left side. So we're going to have to cut about a third of his brain."

Alex looks at her with doubt as if not believing a word she's saying, and to be honest, he doesn't.

"I'm just gonna take the test results to Derek, okay?" Alex replies aggravated as he walks away.

"Dr. Karev, stop," she demands.

And Karev does.

"I'm the head of neurosurgery not my brother. So even if you take the case to him, I'm the one who makes the last call – not you or him."

"He's my patient, Dr. Shepherd," Alex asserts. He promised him that he's gonna be great. He HAS to be great.

"And I'm trying to save his life! The last time I checked, you were a pediatric surgeon not a neurosurgeon, so the only person who can cut into this kid's brain without killing him is _me_. If you wanna see him live, even at a portion of a normal life, I suggest you go get his parents' consent as quickly as you can. Tyler doesn't have much time left."

Alex doesn't know what to do. He doesn't like this. He knows the chances of this kid living after a surgery like that are almost impossible, but what choice does he have? He wants to run to Derek with the results, but he'll obviously side with his sister if he told him about this. Plus, he's the one who recommended her to the chief. He obviously trusts her, but Karev doesn't.

"I'm scrubbing in with you, if you don't mind," and it seems more a demand than a suggestion.

And Amelia doesn't. If anything, she _wants _him in there with her to prove him dead wrong. She's done this surgery before; she knows that as difficult as it may seem, she'll pull if off. She's a Shepherd, after all.

"Be my guest."

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Alex tries to follow Amelia's hands as she works on Tyler's brain. It as if she's not exerting any effort at all; her hands just flow weightlessly. They're peaceful to an extent that infuriates Alex. She's so smooth, so delicate. He's seen many surgeons in the OR, some of the best actually, but he's never seen someone at ease as Amelia. Tyler's brain is like her platform – her stage. And she's performing beautifully.

Every few moments, he looks at Tyler's vitals waiting for something to go wrong – waiting for her to mess up so he can ask the other neurosurgeon on-call to scrub in; it's something he prepared for just in case. But she doesn't. There are no complications whatsoever. She's not _almost_ as good her brother, she's _as_ good.

He was worried she might choke on the surgery after all the things he's heard about her. He was worried the fact that Tyler was a kid would hinder her. He was worried it was her Achilles' heel. But it isn't. And he can't hide how impressed he is – as hard as he tries.

Amelia looks at Alex with the corner of her eye; behind her mask, she's grinning. She's giddy at how intense he looks at that very moment as he scrutinizes her work – almost admiring. You never challenge Amelia Shepherd in the OR.

"We saved a life today, Karev." Amelia tells him as she finishes the surgery, "so whenever you feel like shit, or like being a jerk, or like doubting my abilities, just remember this."

And that he will – for a really long time.


	4. Chapter 4

Amelia's week has been flawless so far. She's having the time of her life, at least that's what she tells herself whenever her heart aches. She's consulted on so many cases and performed so many surgeries in these last 7 days that she's really exhilarated. So when she sits in the attendings' lounge after her long, hard day at work, she lets out a sigh of relief. She can't remember the last time she didn't have anything to worry about. Her past eats at her sometimes, but when she goes into surgery, she forgets everything.

She gets her phone from her locker to check her voice-mail and she finds a message from Charlotte, and that message shatters it all for Amelia.

She hasn't spoken with any of her LA pals since she's arrived to Seattle Grace. She's trying to be a new Amelia here and distancing herself from the people who saw her at her lowest, at her absolute worst, would be the first requirement for the resurrection of Amelia Shepherd. She's missed them, though. They have saved her life again & again, and that's why they mean the world to her. So when she hears Charlotte's voice, she beams with happiness – for just a moment.

"Amelia, hey. Call me back as quick as you can. Sheldon's not okay."

Her heart sinks when she hears those words. Oh, God, not Sheldon.

A few weeks before Amelia came to Seattle, she overheard Sam tell Sheldon to go test himself for prostatic cancer. And when she asked Sheldon about it, he said it was just a standard procedure for a man his age. And she accepted it as that because why wouldn't she? But now she realizes that it's wasn't a standard procedure at all. How could she let herself be fooled by Sheldon's answer? He's sick.

This can't be happening. She can't lose another important man in her life: her father, Ryan, her son, and now Sheldon? No, please, God, no.

Her eyes start to tear uncontrollably and the doctors in the room start looking at her.

"Amelia, you okay?" Jackson asks concerned as he grabs the last bagel on the counter.

"I'm fine," she replies as she walks out of the room.

But she's not fine. She has no idea where to go, so she heads to the nearest linen's closet – no one will run into her there.

She tries to stand up straight in there; she just needs to breathe and everything will be okay. She doesn't even know what stage Sheldon's in – she's not even sure if that's what Charlotte's meant by "not okay." She's just assuming the worst, she tells herself. But despite that, she can't help it and breaks down. She sits on the floor with her back to the wall as she weeps horrifically.

But then someone – the last person she'd ever expect to be with her when she goes through something like this – comes into the room and holds her close to his chest, despite her repetitive protests, until she stops crying.

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Alex looks intensely at the girl on top of him. She's yet another one of the many first-year interns he's screwing lately - or trying to screw, actually. He tries to find something in her eyes, something in her smile that makes him feel something...anything. But nothing does. She's so familiar. She's so...bland. A few weeks ago, he wouldn't even have cared what she looked like as long as she was a sexually active female. But something broke him - something distorted his focus. He's been out of his element for the last few days, and it's starting to piss him off.

Every time she tries to kiss him or nibble at his neck, he moves away as if trying to dodge her. He doesn't want this right now, and he really doesn't understand why. This is not how he planned his weekend would be like. This intern was supposed one of the many he's bedding tonight and the nights after that, but it seems things aren't going the way he wants them to, and it's getting on his nerves. And hard as he tries to explain to himself the reasons why, he can't because he genuinely has no idea. What is ruining his game?

"Uh," Oh crap, he can't even remember her name. "How about we do this some other time?"

"What?"

"I, uh, I have a surgery. I'll see you later." He tries his best to somehow escape her, so he grabs her arms and pushes her to his side. He stands still for a moment to make sure he really doesn't want this because, c'mon he's Alex Karev. But he's sure. So he opens the door for her and politely pushes her out of the room.

But he doesn't have a surgery. He actually has nothing to do - for the first time in a really long time. So he decides to maybe try to sleep tonight. He's not thinking about Arizona - in fact, he hasn't thought about the crash and everything that followed it for a few days now - so maybe he can actually close his eyes tonight without having nightmares about her cut-off leg, nightmares that have made him sleepless for months.

But when he lies in bed, something else keeps him awake, and it scares the hell out of him: Amelia freakin' Shepherd.

Every time he tries to close his eyes, he sees her hands maneuvering their way into Tyler's brain flawlessly. He sees them dancing elegantly. He sees them kick ass. He sees the spark she got in her ice-blue eyes when the surgery was over and Tyler turned out to be okay. He sees the victorious grin she's been giving him for the last week.

He remembers what she told him when she finished the surgery - "We saved a life today, Karev. So whenever you feel like shit, or like being a jerk, or like doubting my abilities, just remember this." - and then he smiles to himself at how fierce she was at that moment, at how she basically made a fool out of him. Oh my God, he's smiling. He can't remember the last time he sincerely grinned. And it feels really good to finally move the muscles of his face that way.

But, no. He can't think about a crazy chick that way, not after everything he's been through. He's had his share - and even more - of insane women, both literally and figuratively, and his heart has been ripped out from his chest every single time. He won't do this to himself again, he tells himself.

He needs to distract himself - to find something that infatuates him the same way Amelia did that day because he knows it's just a passing phase. His life is empty and Amelia blew him away. He just needs something else to blow him away the same way she did. But nothing does. So he decides to go to Joe's. The only thing that could do the trick right now is tequila. Getting drunk is the only thing that can return douche Alex. Douche Alex needs to come back. The alternative hurts too much.

When Alex heads out to Joe's, he hears someone's crying in the linen closet: Callie's hiding place. What has happened now?

He opens the door, and to his surprise, he finds Amelia Shepherd.

He stands still for a moment as he sees Amelia curled up in a ball bawling insanely. This force of nature he saw in the OR is long gone. The vulnerability he sees within her at that moment reminds him of himself – all the pain is kept inside as she illuminates with potency and poise in front of everyone.

He finds himself sprinting towards her – as if involuntarily. He pulls her close to him, but she protests. He tightens his grasp and says nothing. He just lets her cry. And she does.

He's giving in, for just a few minutes, even though he hates himself for it.

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**A/N: I would love to hear your opinions about this chapter in particular. Whether you hated it or loved it, please review and share your thoughts. I'd really like to know if you like the pace of the story and how it's going. Thank you, A LOT. **

**PS: I LOVE Sheldon and didn't mean to do him any harm - it's just for the sake of the fanfic :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Oh my God, you guys, you're the best, really. Thank you for your continuous support and reviews. You're making my day every time I read them!**

**I'm really sorry that it took me this long to post chapter 5, but I have been busy with schoolwork; midterms suck!**

**Anyway, this chapter is basically Amelia-centered with the next chapter hopefully focusing on Alex. I hope you like it. :) **

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That night, after Amelia difficultly regains control over her emotions, she decides to call Sheldon. She can't just sit around hoping nothing's wrong with him; the worry is taking over her. She can't breathe as she thinks of him and what might possibly be the reason why he's "not okay." So she dials his number hoping that Charlotte's just overreacting; there's nothing wrong with Sheldon. He's perfectly fine – just like she's always known him to be.

"Sheldon,"

"Amelia."

When she hears him say her name, her heart starts beating really fast in grievous agony. He just _can't_ be sick, but she can hear the sickness overwhelm his jaded voice.

"Cancer?" she just asks trying her best not to break down on the phone and bawl; she has to at least act like she's strong – for Sheldon's sake – as hard as it is right now.

"Yes."

"Why didn't you tell me?" As the question comes out of her mouth, the tears start flowing down her face making her vision almost blurry.

"I didn't want to stop you from leaving, Amelia. You needed this. You needed Seattle."

She pauses for a moment because she knows he's right, "Will you be okay?"

"Yes."

"Don't lie to me, Sheldon," she says with as much command as she can, but she only sounds debilitated and flaccid – to her utter disappointment.

"I need a surgery, but yes, I'll be fine."

And then they both go silent for a few seconds; both of them trying their best not to show the other how disheartened they are at that moment. They both just want to make things better for each other – even if they really can't.

"Come here, Sheldon. There's this doctor's mom; she is the best urologist in the country..."

"I know. Dr. Avery. Sam and Addison have been telling me extensively about her." and then he says something that makes Amelia smile transiently, "I'll be in Seattle in three days. I just need to do a couple of things first. That's why Charlotte called you. We just didn't want you to be blindsided when I arrived to Seattle Grace. Anyway, don't worry about me. I'll be fine; I promise."

But how could she not? Sheldon is more than just a friend to her. He's always been this father she's never had the chance to really know – this one stable figure in her life for the past couple of years who was always there for her, who's never let her down. He's stood by her side and held her hand when she needed someone, but every time she thinks of LA and going back there, she feels as if she's suffocating – as if the whole world is collapsing over her head. Every time she thinks of LA, she has flashbacks of Ryan and rehab and the son she lost. It's not a place she can go to anymore. So she thanks God he's coming here to Seattle. Maybe Dr. Avery can fix him, and if she can't, at least she will have the chance to stay goodbye. She wishes she weren't this pessimistic, but she can't help it.

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Amelia decides to bury herself in surgeries because she can't stop thinking about Sheldon and what he's probably going through – she can't stop thinking of how people always leave her. And when she's not performing the surgeries, she's surveying them – Alex Karev's especially.

The first time she sits up there in the gallery and watches Alex Karev be a hotshot surgeon, she thinks she chose his surgery in particular because of his dexterity – he really is a great surgeon. But then she realizes that it's not the surgeries she's watching. She doesn't even look at the body he's operating on when she stares at the LCD screen in the gallery; she's watching _him_.

She's staring at the face behind the mask because every time she does, she remembers how he held her tight as she cried uncontrollably. He just sheathed her as if he were protecting her until she could finally take a breath and tell him to let go – which he did unquestioningly. She remembers the worry she saw on his face when their eyes met. She remembers the compassion in his eyes, the warmness in his touch. He didn't ask what's wrong or question her sanity when she shook hysterically with fear. He was just...there. He saw her at her lowest and was not at all petrified.

It strikes her as fascinating the way Alex Karev is - hostile almost the entire time and yet unbelievably sweet. She looks back at the first time they met – how cruelly blunt he was, _"And you're the chick that lost her baby while getting wasted, right?"_ does he still think that low of her?

She suddenly gets this urge within her to explain herself to him – to tell him about Ryan, and the intervention, and how she got pregnant after her fiancé died while she was clean only to have a brainless baby. She wants to tell him how she didn't even get to hear her child cry. And how she's not that person anymore – that person who got hooked on pills and watched everything disappear from her life submissively. But no, she can't.

If she lets him in, if she allows him to be part of her life by telling him her story, she's just going to lose him – just like she's lost (and apparently is still losing) every man in her life that mattered to her at some point. She doesn't understand why life has treated her this way, but it has. Every guy in her life has abandoned her, so the farther he is from her, the better. She can't lose someone else anymore. She just can't – and especially not him.

She needs to stay away from him – if she can help it.

But she can't.

So she spends the next couple of days doing nothing but performing surgeries back to back and watching Alex Karev perform his – as she hides behind nurses and interns hoping to God he doesn't see her. She tries to stay away, she really does. She doesn't even thank him for being there for her that day she collapsed. She gets out of the cafeteria the moment he walks in. She doesn't hang out in the attending' lounge anymore. But nothing takes her mind off Sheldon the way Karev does – the way his forehead sweats as he performs a surgery with utter excitement, the twinkle he gets in his eyes every time he saves a life, the angst he projects every time he doesn't. Everything about him is treacherous, but she likes it – even from a distance. Watching him from afar just…comforts her. Knowing he's there just makes her okay.

But when Sheldon arrives to Seattle Grace, she realizes there's no way in hell she can steer clear of clashing with Alex Karev – it's just inevitable.


End file.
